Lilly

Ok, here it is: my life, my hopes, my dreams.  Mentally, I want to be a fun happy person.  I don’t want to let life stress me out.  Physically, I want to be fit.  Not muscly, but in good shape and comfortable in my clothes (that includes in a bikini).  So here’s what I’m going to do about it.

First, I am going to make the most of my free time, especially the evenings.  I’m going to set aside two evenings a week to exercise.  I already hike every Friday morning with a friend and will also exercise at least once on the weekends (usually we do this as a family anyway).  I’m no longer going to worry that my tummy is not flat - hey, I’ve got great legs!

I am going to be honest about any junk food I eat and make a serious effort to replace these with fruit and veg -I DEFINITELY don’t eat enough fruit and veg!  I know my bad time of the day is around 4 or 5 in the afternoon - so I will have lots of fruit and a large glass of water at 4 o’clock every day.

I’m going back to my yoga class which will helps me relax.  I’m going to listen to my relaxation CD before bedtime every evening instead of watching junk on tv.  I’m going to, somehow, find a way to stop stressing about my kids lives - haven’t figured that one out yet.  And I am going to adopt a new vision of myself as a gorgeous sexy woman who is interesting and funny. 

 I’ll let you know how it goes!

Bear with me - my thoughts are running wild today! 

 In my new drive to be positive, I’m really trying to analyse why I’m not positive.  I’ve got everything and so why am I not skipping down the road every day, singing songs and strewing flowers?   Ash’s blog made me think a lot about motivation.  If I really want to lose these last few pounds, if I really want to be in amazing shape - why don’t I just get out and run, or bike, or whatever?  Why am I constantly unhappy with the way I look?  As one of three girls in my family, I was always the pretty one, the slim one.  One of my sisters was the intelligent one, the other the active, outdoorsy one.  So, now as I get older I’ve got to keep fighting hard to be the pretty one and the slim one, otherwise, I’m nothing - right?  It’s stupid but I know that I need other people to admire me.  I hate my wrinkles, my roll of fat on my stomach, my veins in my hands, my cellulite.  I’m sure it won’t be long before I have some kind of cosmetic surgery - Botox, face lift.  But why?  If I’m so concerned with the way I look, why don’t I run every day?  I always feel great afterwards and it would improve everything about me.  Am I lazy?  Am I not really as concerned as I think?  I don’t know!

So often, I feel totally overwhelmed with things even though my life is quite easy.  I work 80%, I have two kids and a dog.  So I have many of the things that most women have to deal with.  I have a husband who is a lot more helpful than many others, I have a cleaning lady one morning a week, I have enough money, no one is sick in my family.  Am I just easily stressed?  I read other people’s blogs and I think - how can they deal with these things!  I try to support them, but I’m amazed by their strength!  I’m stunned by the fact that others are losing 10, 20 50 pounds and I can’t even lose 5!

 My husband is always saying that our kids are going to suffer in the real world because their lives are so easy.  He’s afraid the first challenge they have will kill them.  Maybe that’s how it is for me.  I’ve never had to learn how to deal with problems.  I’ve never had to be strong so I am weak.  I’ve always relied on others to be there for me and to help me - my father, my husband.  Would I survive without them?

Anyway, my thoughts are running wild, as I said and I was hoping to come to some amazing conclusion, but I haven’t.  Maybe, my conclusion is that I need to set a serious challenge for myself and not talk about it, not get any help from others, but just do it….mmm…..  (to be continued…) 

Positivity!  That’s my new watchword!  I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and moaning and groaning (probably you’re all tired of it too!)  I spent my whole week’s vacation complaining and had a huge fight with my husband for not respecting me and with my kids for not helping me.  I had warned my husband beforehand that we needed to have time just the four of us together, but the weather was bad so we stayed at home and had guests over practically every day - it just wasn’t a vacation for me!  But, part of it is my fault.  I need to make time for myself and do things for myself.  No one would have minded if I’d said, today I’m taking the day off and just doing stuff for me.  So, I will do that from now on.  I’m going to get on the phone and make an appointment at the hairdresser for this week and I’m going to spend every evening this week doing some kind of exercise.  I have my sister’s girls staying with us this week so the kids are happily occupied and don’t need me around.  I’m going to re-organise my work schedule so I have more time for myself and I’m going to think only lovely happy thoughts about everyone - including myself!

I need to get back on track with my exercise again.  I’ve been keeping my weight stable for the past two weeks and will continue to do that until school starts again and I have time to plan my food better, but in the meantime I need to exercise to feel good.  I’m still not happy with my body in a bikini.  I have no waist at all and I really need to focus my attention on that area.  I haven’t been consistent with my arm exercises either, so I need to make that a regular thing. Toning! That’s my second watch word!

 I have a relaxation CD that I used to listen to regularly whcih really reinforced feeling good about yourself.  I am determined I will listen to that CD five times a week, do my arm and stomach exercises 5 times a week.  My goal is to weigh 120 by Christmas, to look fantastic in a bikini and to have a proper vacation!

Hi everyone!  Just checking in so I don’t lose track of you all.  I’m on holiday this week but the weather is awful and we’re trying to save some money so we’ve stayed at home.  It’s been quite nice but I haven’t exercised at all!  Will try to get up and run tomorrow morning!  Hope you’re all well and hanging in there!  Lilly.

Had my weigh in today and I’m at 124 - perfect.  I’m planning to stay around that weight for the next three weeks and then try to get to my goal.  Last night I went to eat at my parents’ house and we had new potatoes (I only had one very small one), salad and spare ribs.  I ate about four ribs.  My teenage nephews had masses and I hope they didn’t get affected by what hit me at one in the morning.  I had the runs all night and still am not feeling great this morning. My dad’s a great cook but he doesn’t always look at the sell-by dates!  Anyway, my sister and her family are driving back to England today so I hope they’re not suffering like I am!

 On the positive side, I don’t feel much like eating today.  We have the whole family coming over again tonight so I’ll need some strength (physical and emotional) to withstand my step mother-in-law, but I’ll take my buddies’ advice and look really great and then keep my distance from her.  I’m on holiday as of tomorrow so may not have time to check in as much.  Best of luck everyone!

If we thought of our bodies as cars maybe we’d treat them better.  You don’t constantly add more gas to your tank, do you?  What a waste of time that would be if every few miles you topped up your tank.  No, you wait until the gas level is down and then fill it up before you run out.  Otherwise, you keep driving and making sure there’s no funny noises or anything else wrong.  Make sure there’s water and the tires are pumped up but not too much. 

I don’t know much about cars but if I just ate when I was hungry (before I’m starving) and put good quality fuel in me.  If I kept an eye and ear out for everything else - aches and pains, overheating, etc.  If I did enough exercise to “pump myself up” a little but not too much - maybe I’d be a Ferrari!  Just a thought for 8am on a dark rainy morning.

Just about to rush off to have lunch by the lake with my husband.  It’s Swiss National day today, so I have the day off work, but the kids are still in camp and, for some reason, my husband has to work so I’m enjoying some time to myself - for once!  My man and I are getting along beautifully and I can’t wait to spend some time alone with him.  We’re also going out together Saturday night.  It’s been way too long!  Have my mother-in-law (the nice one), and my husband’s brother and sister with their families over for dinner tonight but I don’t have to cook!  Then tomorrow, I’m going to see my sister and her family who are over here from England staying with my parents.  Then Friday we’re back at my father-in law’s (with the witchy wife) for pizza.  Then all that family stuff is over and I can enjoy my real family - my husband and kids - for a whole week!  Yay!  Summer is finally beginning!

When my husband loves me - I’m so happy!  I mean, of course he always loves me but my stupid step-mother-in-law kind of messed things up for me for awhile and he was furious at me for a total misunderstanding.  I hate that witch!  She’s totally obsessed with how she looks and is always checking me out to see if I look better than her.  Of course I do, I’m 25 years younger than her!  And now I think she’s jealous because I’m in pretty good shape so she tries to ruin my relationship with my husband instead.  We’re invited to her place on Friday night and I don’t want to go.  Meanwhile, my real mother-in-law - who is the same age and a little overweight - looks so much better and is so much nicer!  I think a little weight is needed as you get older so your face is smoothed out a bit and not so wrinkly and you don’t have these skinny little fragile legs.  She thinks she’s still some giggly little 20 year old and yet she spends her time freaking out because the kids have spilled some crumbs or put their hands on the window panes!

Enough - I’m happy.  I haven’t had any time to exercise but I’m being realistic about what I can do these days - so I’m not going to feel guilty.  Yes, I’d love to lose those 4 last pounds this week but it probably won’t happen.  I’ll exercise when I can and try to eat light  and when school’s back in and I’m back to my routine I’ll work hard again. My new goal is to have a flat stomach by Christmas.

Hope you’re all doing well and enjoying the summer (or winter for those of you in the southern hemisphere!) 

All those kind, encouraging comments on my last blog brought tears to my eyes!  You are all the best! I was really down that day and things totally fell apart last night.  I couldn’t stop crying and ended up sleeping in the basement.  Things are better today.  The mis-understandings between my husband and I have been cleared up - we always fight when we haven’t had any time together - so we are having lunch together on Wednesday and a friend is taking the kids Saturday night so we can go out.  My dear kind mother in law has volunteered to cook an Indian meal for the whole family (her three kids, their partners and seven grand-kids) at our place (because we have more room) so I don’t have to do it.  And my brother-in-law and his family who were planning to come to dinner tonight (again! they’ve been over every day since they arrived last Thursday) have decided not to come.  Hurray!  I might finally get some rest!

I also weighed myself this morning and I’m down to 124 - so at least I’m headed in the right direction now.  Thanks again to all of you wonderful people who have helped me through these tough times.  Sometimes, I think I’m so spoilt when I know others are going through much tougher times - cancer, divorce, etc. and I’m moaning about petty little things.  So thanks for being there for me just the same!

I know I shouldn’t let this bother me - but it does.  I’m up two pounds so instead of being 3 pounds from my goal I am now 5 pounds.  I can’t seem to get over this hump.  I’m hovering around 123-125 and can’t beat it!  If I’m honest with myself, I’m probably not committed enough.  I still give in to treats now and then.  I’ve had pasta twice this week when I’ve banned myself from it.  I’ve been a little down and instead of treating myself to a facial or a pedicure, I’ve tried to make myself feel better with food.  And that never works!

I’ve been so busy lately and haven’t been sleeping well.  The other morning I stood in front of the mirror and cried at my bags and wrinkles.  My son said “You are the most beautiful mom in the world!”  He’s so sweet!  But I felt old and saggy.  I need pampering!  I need a lovely hotel room with fresh white sheets!  I need a massage and a facial and a long bath!  But instead I’m rushing from work to the kids to walk the dog to shop to cook to clean and all the time I’m trying to put exercise at the top of the list.  Those of you who read my blog yesterday will be disappointed to hear I didn’t get my run in.  When I got the kids home, it was 4:30 and my husband called with a list of jobs for me.  I was ready by 5:00 but the guests were arriving at 5:30 so I didn’t have time to run and shower, so I did my arm exercises and just sprayed on some deodorant afterwards.  At least I did something!  Today I will run - NO MATTER WHAT!

Actually, this total misery I’ve been feeling helped me in one way.  I had to call the hotel we’d booked for our holiday to cancel as we really can’t afford it right now.  I came up with some sob story and I was feeling so down that I actually started crying on the phone to the manager.  She still wouldn’t give me the money back but I made her feel guilty about it!

I’m going to find some inspiring blogs to read now and try to kick myself back into action.  I want to be 120 at my next weigh in!!!!  Please!!!!!